by fragmentedspeech

I would really like to think I am a solitary creature but I no longer am able to be alone most of the time. I can be alone sometimes, like now but I guess that has become a rare occasion. This is not a diary. This is diarrhea. I was sitting today surrounded by people I mostly didn’t like that much and thought about my nonexistent existential crisis that is my life. I do not know a lot of things and people should tell me the things I do not know and do wrong more often because I feel like I do a lot of things right too much. Tell me I could do better. Highest grade, highest grade, hate me, highest grade. Wow, whoa, this is very mellow dramatic, please stop me. Lately I feel like most of my friends hate me and avoid talking to me. I feel like I am isolated if my girlfriend isn’t connected to the internet sometimes. Concentration isn’t easy for me. Meet me in the park. Meat me in the park. Ha ha. I don’t know what this is. I fantasize about being driven to a Sleepy’s or Mattress World so my brother can buy a mattress as I wonder around illegally voiding every single mattress in the store. I don’t want a tempered mattress. Here is something you do not know about me: I walk by brook stone and only think about sitting in massage chairs and never do it. I go to the same six or seven places in the shopping mall every single time and rarely buy anything. I’m content though. It seems like it is hell or purgatory maybe, but I do not mind I think. I like the life I have pretty much and would do little to change it, probably because I do not like abrupt change most of the time. The evolution of me is slow and steady. I’m not good at math but I have the highest math grade in my class. Tell me I am really bad at math. I do not initially know what 27 – 4 is. I do not know what 7 * 8 is initially. I am less confident around my peers than I am when I’m around strangers and adults. I can take initiative if I need to most of the time. I am the volunteer in anonymous situations. God forbid I get recognition for anything. Please do not recognize me. I outright want money and recognition as much as I do not want it. I might actually find out what that means someday if anything I do every gets any recognition at all. Maybe I will get recognized for being really incredibly bad at something. How do you get the highest grade in a math and science based class when you are the only one in the class that is not in honors math? Why is everyone so bad? The answer is that nobody tries. There is no wholehearted effort among anyone I know educationally besides my girlfriend and I, but that is obviously biased I guess. Its hard when your ego is larger than it should be with an egalitarian mindset and patriarchal instincts and even more so when it was more fragile than it should have been. I honestly am starting to feel bad about myself because of how narcissistic and egocentric I am truly. Everyone is wrong and I am right. I can admit when I am wrong sometimes. I want to admit I am wrong always. I pick arguments I will never win because nobody ever wants a logical debate, everybody launches personal attacks rather than rebuttals to the argument. Nobody I know likes tomatoes besides adults. Why? I know people who don’t like Chipotle. How? I like food a lot. I will eat anything. It’s a problem probably. I know two mentally handicapped boys who dated in middle school and kissed all the time. They both have some form of autism I think. One also has a major hearing induced speech impediment and another is an intense germaphobe with a minor speech impediment. The hard of hearing one was a scary right winged gay hating Obama hating loudmouth jerk and his boyfriend was a small quiet electronically inclined nice guy. Nice guy was mentally and physically abused my Gay hater. They no longer speak to each other. I honestly believe I have toxoplasmosis because I have to lift my right foot up off the ground before a refrigerator door closes every time. Science is green and 8 and 6 are green. Math is red and 5 is red. 2 is blue, march is blue, english is blue, February is magenta and social studies is orange. 3 is green and 6 is blue, 7 is yellow. My room was infested with moth larva that would only crawl on my ceiling and fall of onto me in my sleep and into my backpack and every where else. Instead of fuming the room and telling anyone for several weeks every day I killed every single larva in my entire room and it took about three entire weeks of my murdering all of them for them to stop being reborn everyday and falling from my ceiling. Once five fell out of my backpack during class and nobody noticed. My dad some times leaves my windows open and my room becomes essentially homogenous with outsides bug ecosystem. I once kept tack of a moth that was three inches long on my curtains for three days. It did not move in those three days until my dad killed it. I have a fear of winged insects flying at me though so I was kind of glade because I’m pretty sure I was only watching it so I knew where it was.